us."well,whichonedidshefinallymarry?"
ianswer,"theonewhowasrightforher."
"whichonewasthat?"
ismile."you'llknow,"isayquietly,"bytheendoftheday.you'llknow."
shedoesnotquestionmefurther.insteadshebeginstofidget.sheisthinkingofawaytoaskmeanotherquestion,thoughsheisn'tsurehowtodoit.
abirdstartstosingoutsidethewindowandwebothturnourheads.wesitquietlyforawhile,enjoyingsomethingbeautifultogether.thenitislost,andshesighs."ihavetoaskyousomethingelse,"shesays.
"whateveritis,i'lltrytoanswer."
"it'shard,though."
shedoesnotlookatmeandicannotseehereyes.thisishowshehidesherthoughts.somethingsneverchange.
"takeyourtime,"isay.iknowwhatshewillask.
finallysheturnstomeandlooksintomyeyes.sheoffersagentlesmile,thekindyousharewithachild,notalover.
"idon'twanttohurtyourfeelingsbecauseyou'vebeensonicetome,but..."
iwait.herwordswillhurtme.theywilltearapiecefrommyheartandleaveascar.
"whoareyou?"
wehavelivedatcreeksideextendedcarefacilityforthreeyearsnow.itwasherdecisiontocomehere,partlybecauseitwasnearourhome,butalsobecauseshethoughtitwouldbeeasierforme.weboardedupourhomebecauseneitherofuscouldbeartosellit,signedsomepapers,andreceivedaplacetoliveanddieinexchangeforsomeofthefreedomforwhichwehadworkedalifetime.
shewasrighttodothis,ofcourse.thereisnowayicouldhavemadeitalone,forsicknesshascometous,bothofus.weareinthefinalminutesinthedayofourlives,andtheclockisticking.loudly.iwonderifiamtheonlyonewhocanhearit.
athrobbingpaincoursesthroughmyfingers,anditremindsmethatwehavenotheldhandswithfingersinterlockedsincewemovedhere.iamsadaboutthis,butitismyfault,nothers.itisarthritisintheworstform,rheumatoidandadvanced.myhandsaremisshapenandgrotesquenow,andtheythrobthroughmostofmywakinghours.buteverydayitakeherhandsdespitethepain,andidomybesttoholdthembecausethatiswhatshewantsmetodo.
althoughthebiblesaysmancanlivetobeahundredandtwenty,idon'twantto,andidon'tthinkmybodywouldmakeitevenifidid.itisfallingapart,steadyerosionontheinsideandatthejoints.mykidneysarebeginningtofailandmyheartrateisdecreasingeverymonth.worse,ihavecanceragain,thistimeoftheprostate.thisismythirdboutwiththeunseenenemy,anditwilltakemeeventually,thoughnottillisayitistime.thedoctorsareworriedaboutme,butiamnot.ihavenotimeforworryinthistwilightofmylife.
ofourfivechildren,fourarestillliving,andthoughitishardforthemtovisit,theycomeoften,andforthisiamthankful.butevenwhentheyaren'there,theycomealiveinmymindeveryday,eachofthem,andtheybringtomindthesmilesandtearsthatcomewithraisingafamily.adozenpictureslinethewallsofmyroom.theyaremyheritage,mycontributiontotheworld.iamveryproud.sometimesiwonderwhatmywifethinksofthemasshedreams,orifshethinksofthematall,orifsheevendreams.thereissomuchaboutheridon'tunderstandanymore.
"myname,"isay,"isduke."ihavealwaysbeenajohnwaynefan.
"duke,"shewhisperstoherself,"duke."shethinksforamoment,herforeheadwrinkled,hereyesserious.
"yes,"isay,"i'mhereforyou."andalwayswillbe,ithinktomyself.
sheflusheswithmyanswer.hereyesbecomewetandred,andtearsbegintofall.myheartachesforher,andiwishforthethousandthtimethattherewassomethingicoulddo.
shesays,"i'msorry.idon'tunderstandanythingthat'shappeningtomerightnow.evenyou.whenilistentoyoutalkifeellikeishouldknowyou,butidon't.idon'tevenknowmyname."shewipesathertearsandsays,"helpme,duke,helpmerememberwhoiam.oratleast,whoiwas.ifeelsolost."
ianswerfrommyheart,butilietoherabouthername.asihaveaboutmyown.thereisareasonforthis.
"youarehannah,aloveroflife,astrengthtothosewhosharedinyourfriendships.youareadream,acreatorofhappiness,anartistwhohastouchedathousandsouls.you'veledafulllifeandwantedfornothing,becauseyourneedsarespiritualandyouhaveonlytolookinsideyou.youarekindandloyal,andyouareabletoseebeautywhereothersdonot.youareateacherofwonderfullessons,adreamerofbetterthings."
shedoesnotrespond.insteadshestaresatmeforalongwhile,untilourbreathingcoincides.in.out.in.out.in.out.deepbreaths.iwonderifsheknowsithinkshe'sbeautiful.
"wouldyoustaywithmeawhile?"shefinallyasks.
ismileandnod.shesmilesback.shereachesformyhand,takesitgentlyandpullsittoherwaist.shestaresatthehardenedknotsthatdeformmyfingersandcaressesthemgently.herhandsarestillthoseofanangel.
"come,"isayasistandwithgreateffort,"let'sgoforawalk.theairiscrispandthegoslingsarewaiting.it'sbeautifultoday."iamstaringatherasisaytheselastfewwords.sheblushes.itmakesmefeelyoungagain.
shewasfamous,ofcourse.oneofthebestsouthernpaintersofthetwentiethcentury,somesaid,andiwas,andam,proudofher.unlikeme,whostruggledtowriteeventhesimplestofverses,mywifecouldcreatebeautyaseasilyasthelor << 上一页 [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] ... 下一页 >>
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