"there'snoonethere,allie,"isay,tryingtofendofftheinevitable.
shedoesn'tbelieveme."they'restaringatme.youcan'tseethem?"
"no,"isay,andshethinksforamoment.
"well,they'rerightthere,"shesays,"andthey'restaringatme."
withthat,shebeginstotalktoherself,andmomentslater,whenitrytocomforther,sheflincheswithwideeyes.
"whoareyou?"shecriesinpanic,herfacebecomingwhiter."whatareyoudoinghere?"shebacksawayfromme,herhandsinadefensiveposition,andthenshesaysthemostheartbreakingwordsofall."goaway!stayawayfromme!"sheispushingthegnomesawayfromher,terrified,obliviousofmypresence.
istandandcrosstheroomtoherbed.iamweaknow,mylegsache,andthereisastrangepaininmyside.itisastruggletopressthebuttontocallthenurses,formyfingersarethrobbingandseemfrozentogether,butifinallysucceed.theywillbeheresoonnow,iknow,andiwaitforthem.
isitbythebedwithanachingbackandstarttocryasipickupthenotebook.iamtirednow,soisit,aloneandapartfrommywife.andwhenthenursescomeintheyseetwopeopletheymustcomfort.awomanshakinginfearandtheoldmanwholoveshermoredeeplythanlifeitselfcryingsoftlyinthecorner,hisfaceinhishands.
bythefollowingweek,mylifehadprettymuchreturnedtonormal.oratleastasnormalasmylifecouldbe.readingtoallie,whowasunabletorecognizemeatanytime,readingtoothers,wanderingthehalls.lyingawakeatnightandsittingbymyheaterinthemorning.ifoundastrangecomfortinthepredictabilityofmylife.
onacool,foggymorningeightdaysaftersheandihadspentourdaytogether,iwokeearly,asismycustom,andpotteredaroundmydesk,alternatelylookingatphotographsandreadingletterswrittenmanyyearsbefore.atleastitriedto.icouldn'tconcentratetoowellbecauseihadaheadache,soiputthemasideandwenttositinmychairbythewindowtowatchthesuncomeup.alliewouldbeawakeinacoupleofhours,iknew,andiwantedtoberefreshed,forreadingalldaywouldonlymakemyheadhurtmore.
iclosedmyeyesforafewminutesthen,openingthem,iwatchedmyoldfriend,thecreek,rollbymywindow.unlikeallieihadbeengivenaroomwhereicouldseeit,andithasneverfailedtoinspireme.itisacontradictionthiscreek—ahundredthousandyearsoldbutrenewedwitheachrainfall.itislife,ithink,towatchthewater.amancanlearnsomanythings.
ithappenedasisatinthechair,justasthesunpeepedoverthehorizon.myhand,inoticed,startedtotingle,somethingithadneverdonebefore.istartedtoliftit,butiwasforcedtostopwhenmyheadpoundedagain,thistimehard,almostasifihadbeenhitintheheadwithahammer.iclosedmyeyestightly.myhandstoppedtinglingandbegantogonumb,asifmynerveshadbeenseveredsomewhereonmylowerarm.ashootingpainrockedmyheadandseemedtoflowdownmyneckandintoeverycellofmybody,likeatidalwave,crushingandwastingeverythinginitspath.
ilostmysightandiheardwhatsoundedlikeatrainroaringinchesfrommyhead,andiknewthatiwashavingastroke.thepaincoursedthroughmybodylikealightningbolt,andinmylastremainingmomentsofconsciousnessipicturedallie,lyinginherbed,waitingforthestoryiwouldneverread,lostandconfused,completelyandtotallyunabletohelpherself.
iwasunconsciousonandofffordays,andinthosemomentswheniwasawakeifoundmyselfhookedtomachines,twobagsoffluidhangingnearthebed.icouldhearthefainthumofmachines,sometimesmakingsoundsicouldnotrecognize,andfoundmyselflulledtonever-neverlandtimeandtimeagain.
icouldseetheconcerninthedoctors'facesastheyscannedthechartsandadjustedthemachines.grimfaceswouldpreludetheirpredictions—"lossofspeech,lossofmovement,paralysis."anotherchartnotation,anotherbeepofastrangemachine,andthey'dleave,neverknowingiheardeveryword.itriednottothinkofthesethingsafterwards,butinsteadconcentratedonallie,bringingapictureofhertomymindwhenevericould.itriedtofeelhertouch,hearhervoice,andwhenididtearswouldfillmyeyesbecauseididn'tknowifiwouldbeabletoholdheragain.thiswasnothowi'dimagineditwouldend.i'dalwaysassumediwouldgolast.
idriftedinandoutofconsciousnessfordaysuntilanotherfoggymorningwhenmypromisetoalliespurredmybodyonceagain.iopenedmyeyesandsawaroomfullofflowers,andtheirscentmotivatedmefurther.ilookedforthebuzzer,struggledtopressit,andanursearrivedthirtysecondslater,followedcloselybydr.barnwell.
"i'mthirsty,"isaidwitharaspyvoice,anddr.barnwellsmiledbroadly.
"welcomeback,"hesaid,"iknewyou'dmakeit."
twoweekslateriamabletoleavethehospital,thoughiamonlyhalfamannow.therightsideofmybodyisweakerthantheleft.this,theytellme,isgoodnews,fortheparalysiscouldhavebeentotal.sometimes,itseems,iamsurroundedbyoptimists.
thebadnewsisthatmyhandspreventmefromusingeithermycaneorwheelchair,soimustmarchnowtomyownuniquecadencetokeepupright.notleft-right-leftasinmyyouth,oreventheshuffle-shuffleoflate,butratherslow-shuffle,slide-the-right,slow-shuffle.iamonanepicadventurenowwhenitravelthehalls.
whenireturntomyroom,iknowiwillnotsleep.ibreathedeeplyandsmellthespringtimefragrancesthatfilterthroughtheopenwindow.thereisaslightchillintheairandifindthatiaminvigoratedbythechangeintemp << 上一页 [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] ... 下一页 >>
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