temydisease,ipromiseyouthat.andthisiswherethestorycomesin.wheniamlostandlonely,readthisstory—justasyoutoldittothechildren—andknowthatinsomewayiwillrealizeit'saboutus.andperhaps,justperhaps,wewillfindawaytobetogetheragain.
pleasedon'tbeangrywithmeondaysidonotrememberyou—webothknowtheywillcome.knowthatiwillalwaysloveyou,andnomatterwhathappens,knowthatihaveledthegreatestlifepossible.mylifewithyou.
noah,whereveryouareandwheneveryoureadthis,iloveyou.iloveyoudeeply,myhusband.youare,andalwayshavebeen,mydream.
allie
iputtheletteraside,risefrommydeskandfindmyslippers.imustsittoputthemon.then,standing,icrosstheroomandopenmydoor.ipeepdownthehallandseejaniceseatedatthemaindeskwhichimustpasstogettoallie'sroom.atthishouriamnotsupposedtoleavemyroom,andjaniceisneveronetobendtherules.
iwaittoseeifshewillleave,butshedoesnotandigrowimpatient.ifinallyexitmyroomanyway,slow-shuffle,slide-the-right,slow-shuffle.ittakesaeonstoclosethedistance,butforsomereasonshedoesnotseemeapproaching.iamasilentpanthercreepingthroughthejungle.intheendiamdiscovered,butiamnotsurprised.istandbeforeher.
"noah,"shesays,"whatareyoudoing?"
"i'mtakingawalk,"isay."ican'tsleep."
"youknowyou'renotsupposedtodothis."
"iknow."idon'tmove,though.iamdetermined.
"you'renotreallygoingforawalk,areyou?you'regoingtoseeallie."
"yes,"ianswer.
"noah,youknowwhathappenedthelasttimeyousawheratnight.youshouldn'tbedoingthis."
"imissher."
"iknowyoudo,butican'tletyouseeher."
"it'souranniversary,"isay.thisistrue.itisoneyearbeforegold.forty-nineyearstoday.
"isee."shelooksawayforamoment,andhervoicebecomessofter.iamsurprised.shehasneverstruckmeasthesentimentaltype."noah,i'veseenhundredsofcouplesstrugglewithgrief,buti'veneverseenanyonehandleitlikeyoudo.noonearoundherehaseverseenanythinglikeit."shepausesforjustamomentandhereyesbegintofillwithtears."itrytothinkwhatit'slikeforyou,howyoukeepgoingdayafterday,butican'timagineit.idon'tknowhowyoudoit.youevenbeatherdiseasesometimes.eventhoughthedoctorsdon'tunderstandit,wenursesdo.it'slove—it'sassimpleasthat.it'sthemostincrediblethingi'veeverseen."
alumphasriseninmythroat,andiamspeechless.
"but,noah,you'renotsupposedtodothis,andican'tletyou.sogobacktoyourroom."then,smiling,snifflingandshufflingsomepapers,shesays:"me,i'mgoingdownstairsforsomecoffee.iwon'tbebacktocheckonyouforawhile,sodon'tdoanythingfoolish."
sherisesquickly,touchesmyarmandwalkstowardsthestairs.shedoesn'tlookbackandsuddenlyiamalone.ilookatwhereshehadbeensittingandseehercoffee,afullcup,stillsteaming,andonceagainilearnthattherearegoodpeopleintheworld.
asibeginmytrektoallie'sroom,itaketinysteps,andevenatthatpacemylegsgrowtired.ifindimusttouchthewalltokeepfromfallingdown.lightsbuzzoverhead,theirfluorescentglowmakingmyeyesache,andisquintalittle.ipresson,andthemovementforcesbloodthroughbanishedarteries.ifeelmyselfbecomingstrongerwitheverystep.aphoneringsinthenurses'station,andipushforwardsothatiwillnotbecaught.iamyoungandstrong,withpassioninmyheart,andiwillbreakdownthedoorandliftherinmyarmsandcarryhertoparadise.
whoamikidding?ileadasimplelifenow.iamfoolish,anoldmaninlove,adreamerwhodreamsofnothingbutreadingtoallieandholdingherwheneverican.iamasinnerwithmanyfaultsandamanwhobelievesinmagic,butiamtoooldtochangeandtoooldtocare.
whenifinallyreachherroommybodyisweak.mylegswobble,myeyesareblurred.istrugglewiththeknobandintheendittakestwohandsandthreetruckloadsofeffort.thedooropensandlightfromthehallwayspillsin,illuminatingthebedwhereshesleeps.
sheislyingwiththecovershalfwayup.afteramomentiseeherrolltooneside,andhernoisesbringbackmemoriesofhappiertimes.shelookssmallinherbed.
idonotmove,onthisouranniversary,foralmostaminute,andilongtotellherhowifeel,butistayquietsoiwon'twakeher.besides,itiswrittenontheslipofpaperthatiwillslideunderherpillow.itsays:
love,intheselastandtenderhours,
issensitiveandverypure
comemorninglightwithsoft-litpowers
toawakenlovethat'seversure.
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